Mark Muppetmasters Hillary

Who can forget that memorable scene from the movie adaptation of Chicago, when Richard Gere muppetmastered Rene Zellweger?

Well, ladies and gentlemen: the DLC's very own production is playing now in Pennsylvania!

For a limited four-week engagement only, audiences in the Keystone State will be underwhelmed by the amateurish ventriloquism of Mark "MuppetMaster" Penn, and the vain vampings of his little wooden performer, Senator Hillary Diane Rodham Clinton.

"Notice how his mouth never moves! (Almost.)"

But that's not the scene that Pennsylvania voters should watch most closely. Oh, no!

The scene they should really focus on is When You're Good to MAMA! (Mama's Good to You!)

Watch as Hillary - aided by Bill as The Bandleader - sings this little ditty about quid pro quos and reciprocal favors with the oil sheiks, corporate Clinton cronies, and other secret admirers who show up on the still-secret Clinton Library donor lists.

[The Bandleader - in Bill Clinton's cornpone rasp]

And now Ladies and Gentlemen!
The Keeper of the Keys
The Lady of the Lists
The Queenie of Quid Pro Quo Row
Matron Mama Clinton!

[Matron Mama Clinton takes the stage, and begins in the same breathy stage whisper screech she used to "sing" the National Anthem]

Ask any of the pollsters named Mark Penn
They'll tell you I'm the biggest mother (hen)
I love them all and all of them love me
Because the system works! The system called RECIPROCITY!!!



Got a little motto
Always sees me through
When you're good to Mama
Mama's good to Hsu



There's a lot of favors
I'm prepared to do
You do one for Mama
She'll do one for you





They say that life is tit for tat
And that's the way I live
So I deserve a little tat
For what I've got to give



Don't you know that this hand



Washes that one too



When you're good to Mama
Mama's good to you



If you want my gravy
Pepper my Ragu
Spice it up for Mama
She'll get hot for you



When they pass that basket
Folks contribute to
You put in for Mama



She'll put out for you



The folks atop the ladder
Are the ones the world adores
So boost me up my ladder kid
And I'll boost you up yours

Let's all stroke together
Like the Princeton Crew
When you're strokin' Mama
Mama's strokin' you

So what's the one conclusion
I can bring this number to?

Let's all VOTE OBAMA!
He'll be good for you!

Mark the MuppetMaster: Oh, wait. [looks frantically at script] That's not how it ends, right? Right? Hello? Is this thing on? Can anyone hear the words coming out of my mouth?

(Or believe them anymore?)